I love to hate Anthropologie furniture. In particular, the way they stage it for their website. There’s this gross fantasy they’ve created of an art student who can afford to spend thousands of dollars on a paint-splattered flea market find. It’s like all their customers are aspiring to be Charlotte in Tiny Furniture (a loft-dwelling trust fund dilettante).
They’ve gone off the deep end with the juxtaposition. You know those fashion editorials every fall where models lasagned in Prada swing around street signs in Red Hook? It’s like that, but on acid. The settings are more deteriorated and the designs are more design-y. It’s like shopping from deep within Fuck Your Noguchi Coffee Table.
If you choose to purchase a piece of Anthropologie furniture, it will only really look right in one of three settings:
1. An alternative gallery space six weeks from opening
2. An urban cabin with faulty electrical wiring
3. A crumbling Southern plantation (soon to be deemed “the new loft” by the NYTimes)
Let’s take a stroll through the Anthropologie furniture section together. What’s for sale today?
This illustrates such a great, casual way to store your instrument after tromboning yourself to sleep.
Yes, please put the longish ottoman in my art studio. I don’t care if it gets paint on it or not.
We saved tons of money on wallpaper by re-purposing the backdrop from our son’s school picture. What’s that? No, that’s a perfectly reasonable way to store a record.
Hey, buddy, you better watch yourself in this house. If you start mouthing off about the paint job, guess what? Here’s a chair in your way. Yeah, you like that? Oh, what’s this? Another chair. And lurking in the next room, just biding its time? Yeah, it’s another chair.
Yes, put it right by my ancient tapestry. Perfect.
We wanted the room to have a design that only works from one viewpoint. Also, my husband is Harold of Harold and the Purple Crayon. He’s moved on to other colors, and we want the world to know.
It may look like a random assortment of objects, but actually, you see, these jars are for my urine, and the rest is because I’ve lost all touch with reality.
Clarissa, we’ve called you to this intervention today because rumpled rugs aren’t part of an aesthetic, they’re just dangerous and sloppy-looking. In addition, it’s time to stop explaining it all. Sam is gone for good, and living in a designer treehouse isn’t going to bring him back, no matter how accessible the ladder.
Also, you have too many fucking chairs in here.
Let’s see, what can we do with a chair that’s… different? Glue other kinds of chairs to it? Welp, it’s five o’clock boys, that’ll have to do.
Whoa, looks like we tapped into the zeitgeist! Stick anything you can grab onto these chairs, they’re hotter than flapjacks and they’re flying twice as fast! (Does that even make sense? Welp, looks like it’s five o’clock!)
DO YOU LIVE IN A FLOWER SHOP????? DO YOU WANT TO????? WELL HAVE I GOT THE BEDROOM FOR YOU!!!!!!!
Throw a fresh coat of paint on everything and you’ve got a fighting chance as Wes Anderson’s new set designer!
Well, let me see, I have six pillows, a full set of bedding, a comforter, and a blanket on my bed. It gets pretty chilly in the barn. Oh, did I not mention that I sleep in a barn? It’s pretty important to me. IT’S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING, ABOUT ME.
CHALKBOARD PAINT ON THE FLOOR OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY DID YOU DRAW A RUG HOLY CRAP I HATE YOU SO MUCH
You’ve lost your goddamn minds.
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