Let’s Make Fun Of: Anthropologie Furniture

I love to hate Anthropologie furniture. In particular, the way they stage it for their website. There’s this gross fantasy they’ve created of an art student who can afford to spend thousands of dollars on a paint-splattered flea market find. It’s like all their customers are aspiring to be Charlotte in Tiny Furniture (a loft-dwelling trust fund dilettante).

They’ve gone off the deep end with the juxtaposition. You know those fashion editorials every fall where models lasagned in Prada swing around street signs in Red Hook? It’s like that, but on acid. The settings are more deteriorated and the designs are more design-y. It’s like shopping from deep within Fuck Your Noguchi Coffee Table.

If you choose to purchase a piece of Anthropologie furniture, it will only really look right in one of three settings:

1. An alternative gallery space six weeks from opening

2. An urban cabin with faulty electrical wiring

3. A crumbling Southern plantation (soon to be deemed “the new loft” by the NYTimes)


Let’s take a stroll through the Anthropologie furniture section together. What’s for sale today?

Coralie Bed, $1,998 - $2,398 

This illustrates such a great, casual way to store your instrument after tromboning yourself to sleep.

Cotswald Bench Ottoman, $1,698

Yes, please put the longish ottoman in my art studio. I don’t care if it gets paint on it or not.

Attache Bookcase, $998 

We saved tons of money on wallpaper by re-purposing the backdrop from our son’s school picture. What’s that? No, that’s a perfectly reasonable way to store a record.

Linen Corrigan Chair, $1,698

Hey, buddy, you better watch yourself in this house. If you start mouthing off about the paint job, guess what? Here’s a chair in your way. Yeah, you like that? Oh, what’s this? Another chair. And lurking in the next room, just biding its time? Yeah, it’s another chair.

Arlo Sofa, $3,298

Yes, put it right by my ancient tapestry. Perfect.

Battersea Sofa, $3,898

We wanted the room to have a design that only works from one viewpoint. Also, my husband is Harold of Harold and the Purple Crayon. He’s moved on to other colors, and we want the world to know.

Marjorie Chair, $1,498

It may look like a random assortment of objects, but actually, you see, these jars are for my urine, and the rest is because I’ve lost all touch with reality.

Clarissa Dining Chair, $298

Clarissa, we’ve called you to this intervention today because rumpled rugs aren’t part of an aesthetic, they’re just dangerous and sloppy-looking. In addition, it’s time to stop explaining it all. Sam is gone for good, and living in a designer treehouse isn’t going to bring him back, no matter how accessible the ladder.

Also, you have too many fucking chairs in here.

Banana Chair, $1800 

Let’s see, what can we do with a chair that’s… different? Glue other kinds of chairs to it? Welp, it’s five o’clock boys, that’ll have to do.

Something’s Afoot Chair, $398

Whoa, looks like we tapped into the zeitgeist! Stick anything you can grab onto these chairs, they’re hotter than flapjacks and they’re flying twice as fast! (Does that even make sense? Welp, looks like it’s five o’clock!)

Crawford Queen Bed $1,998 

DO YOU LIVE IN A FLOWER SHOP????? DO YOU WANT TO????? WELL HAVE I GOT THE BEDROOM FOR YOU!!!!!!!

Traveler Chest $1,698 

Throw a fresh coat of paint on everything and you’ve got a fighting chance as Wes Anderson’s new set designer!

Lasenby Bed $1,498 - $1,698 

Well, let me see, I have six pillows, a full set of bedding, a comforter, and a blanket on my bed. It gets pretty chilly in the barn. Oh, did I not mention that I sleep in a barn? It’s pretty important to me. IT’S PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY THING, ABOUT ME.

Ordinal Dresser $998

CHALKBOARD PAINT ON THE FLOOR OH MY GOD WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU WHY DID YOU DRAW A RUG HOLY CRAP I HATE YOU SO MUCH

Altair Tent, $8,998

You’ve lost your goddamn minds.

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