I Moved Again
Just for funsies. I LOVE MOVING!!!!
No. I feel like people move more often in New York than in other cities. This is probably a combo of NYC entitlement a.k.a. “I’m not putting up with this bullshit” and constant frustration with what you’re getting for your money a.k.a. “There’s got to be something better than this shithole.” Of course, roommates are also a factor at this age,* a.k.a. “What the shit was I thinking, I’m moving 40 miles away so I can afford my own studio.”**
It was a relatively easy move, but even though I consider myself a person with “not a lot of stuff” (at least that’s how I sold it to my friends who helped me), packing still fucking sucked. I’m pretty terrible at it, too. I guess a less lazy person would’ve been trolling grocery and liquor stores for weeks collecting free cardboard boxes, but my dumb ass went to the UPS store across the street. Guess what ten boxes cost?
SEVENTY. DOLLARS.
Barf. Hate myself. Repeat. Just like a bad Sunday morning.
My packing process is fairly Dadaistic. My boxes are mad libs. Here are some examples based on how I labeled them:
- Boots and lamps
- Books and make-up
- Medicine, jewelry, and documents
- Clothing and painting supplies
Unpacking is always chaos but I get too frenzied while packing and just want to get it over with. Eventually I just start throwing everything out. It doesn’t make any sense. “This energy-efficient lightbulb sucked, no space for it, screw the environment it’s gotta go AHHHH!” I’m kidding… I had space for it.
I’m also the worst because I got up late and the truck was early, so basically my friends moved all my stuff out in the time it took me to get them bagels and coffee. I KNOW. I know! (sigh) I know.
And another chapter of my life is done, again, and I’m left with the same question: How does anyone put up with my nonsense?
*My twenties, OMG am I sick of them.
**I am not moving 40 miles away so I can afford my own studio.
Another scorcher. Cool!
An Inventory Of My Old AIM Screennames And Hotmails
robbiewilliams71 – This was my first AOL Instant Messenger screenname, in 7th grade. It was right around when Robbie Williams released “Millennium,” which I thought was a pretty good song but certainly not good enough to choose a screenname based on it. I don’t think I really understood screennames at that point. The 71 was because I had a crush on this kid in my first and seventh period classes. Ooh, who was it? Well, I’m pretty sure he’s in jail now. So, have fun guessing.
LGthumbring – Ah, the early 00’s. I spent a lot of time in Claire’s and Afterthoughts during those years. A lot of time. I was way into rings on unusual digits. Not to brag but I had like 5 toe rings and 3 thumb rings. Can we just… *sigh* I remember wanting a toe ring because I saw this beautiful photograph in Teen People of Jennifer Aniston sitting on the floor looking all casual, and she had a dolphin toe ring on, and I thought that was incredibly sexy and refined. Maybe I’m remembering this wrong now, it could’ve been Demi Moore. But can we all agree that toe rings are a HORRIBLE idea?
Anyway. My initials are LG obviously but when I told people my HOTMAIL ADDRESS (yes) they always responded, “Large thumb ring?” So, this one is probably the worst.
lixypixy660 – When I was around 14 I decided I wanted everyone to spontaneously make Lix and Lixy my nicknames. And like all nicknames you start yourself, they were an immediate and total failure. Well, that’s not entirely true. Eventually my friends started calling me Lix ironically, in a gentle mocking way. Success!
lixxxxxy – This was my AIM screenname for the longest time. I wanted “lixy” and this was the closest I got to it. Everyone made jokes about how pornographic it looked, and honestly, I should’ve known better. For a brief time in high school when I was really trying to identify as straight-edged instead of just an unpopular teenager with no access to alcohol, I made the middle 3 X’s caps—liXxXxXy. I know. Aren’t you moved by the raw anti-establishment power of a young Ian MacKaye?
awkwardlines – This was my Hotmail when I was applying to colleges. I thought I would seem like a young poetic genius that was just what a liberal arts college needed. It worked out pretty well for me, all things considered.
Paul F. Tompkins knows how to get reviews on his podcast: inside jokes with the listeners.
Quick Thoughts on GIRLS
1. I’ve noticed that whenever people don’t like something made by a woman, there’s a level of anger and venom in the discourse that is just not there in the criticism of man-made things.
2. It wouldn’t have killed them to have a little more diversity in the cast. I agree with that point.
3. To me, Lena Dunham was clearly poking fun at her own privilege. Her line about being the voice of a generation was not meant to be taken seriously. That’s not clear in the trailer for the show, but it came across in the first episode.
4. I liked the first episode. I also liked Tiny Furniture.
5. The nepotism backlash seems a little petty to me. The acting was strong. How much of a leg up can having a famous parent really give you in that department? Lena Dunham has been making shorts for years and had a feature film at SXSW even before Tiny Furniture.
6. The marketing and “buzz” around this show beg you to take it as The Example of Millennial Life. Don’t. It’s not.
7. The mom from Freaks & Geeks is in it!
Responding to the NYT Article About The Atlantic Yards Project
“The neighborhood is now becoming an entertainment mecca — anything that’s hip and of the moment,” said Robert Schulman, who fits prosthetic devices for Allied Orthopedics, which has been on Flatbush Avenue for 25 years. “The change was slowly growing, but once the arena came into play, it was exponential. Once a week, a new restaurant or clothing store is opening up.”
Let’s go through this mess point by point.
1. “The oyster-shaped basketball arena.” Jesus, NYT. Don’t you ever get tired of self-parody? Don’t you ever just want to give the bourgh a rest for a second?
2. Versailles is a joke. It sells thousand-dollar sequins and rhinestones that can be draped just over your cooch so you can pretend to be a reality TV star. There’s never anyone in there. Next to it is an equally gaudy/overpriced shoe place that is equally devoid of customers.
3. Really? You’re going to the guy who owns the prosthetic leg store for the area’s hip spots? It’s not an “entertainment mecca.” There’s a weird chess store, some medical offices, and a lot of empty storefronts.
4. FYI, in case you’re too “beguiled” by the name, Fish ‘n Sip is a gross combo seafood restaurant and coffee shop with a Comic Sans logo. Def a hot foodie destination!
5. I’m angry because I’ve already seen how this arena is pushing small businesses out. You could argue I’m a gentrifier and a bad, bad person because I shop at the Met instead of the Food Coop, but am I wrong about this? The guy who owns Kulushkat really sums it up at the end when he says, “It turns a neighborhood into Midtown Manhattan.” Most people didn’t want this arena. It’s good for corporations and investors and our dumbass Mayor, not the people and small businesses who live here. TL; too self-righteous; DR. I’m angry.
Source: “Impact of Atlantic Yards, for Good or Ill, Is Already Felt,” NY Times.
One of my favorite things
…is when someone goes, “Well, this might be a stupid question, but…” and then asks something so obvious and idiotic that it destroys any good will their disclaimer created in the first place and you’re just thinking, damn, boy. They say there are no stupid questions, but you’re really testing the limits of that theory.
One of my least favorite things is when someone asks a question in an attempt to prove how smart they are. This happens a lot in film screening Q&As, I’ve found. Or maybe I just go to a lot of them.
By the way, I have been both of these people, probably at the same time.
“This might be a stupid question but after I saw Annie Hall I Wikipedia’d every reference made during the movie theater scene and now I’m just another asshole obsessed with Fellini. So I guess what I’m asking is, while you were making this film, did any of y’all sleep together?”
All Dem Pengs
What I’ve been up to this week.
Happy Easter from me and Cherry Coke Zero!
The Distillers - “Cincinnati”
Because I love The Distillers and it tickles me to hear an Aussie sing about Cincinnati. What? Why? Is it really songworthy? Okay.
Would You Like To Be Interviewed By the Fourth Beastie Boy?
Based on that This American Life episode a few years ago, George Lois sounds like an egomaniac, a thief, and a total dick, but the “fourth Beastie Boy” who interviewed him for Paper Magazine is very special, too:
Check this out. I walk around like, ‘Shit is weak, shit is wack.’ I’m kind of walking around bitter. I don’t like the way things have gone, especially around my neighborhood. It’s all new jacks. Nobody says hello, everyone’s on a bullshit tip. Instead of folding and taking myself out, I’m trying to work with the new times, incorporating the old school with the new school like on my Facebook page.
That is an interview question. Feel free to leave your response below!
[via imwithkanye]
The Splitsider has a great article that features all of Louis CK’s short films, as well as the above video, a sweet note of encouragement to potential filmmakers.
Top Girl: A Horribly Sexist Game I Can’t Stop Playing
I need to tell you about this terrible game I’ve been playing on my iPhone. It’s called Top Girl and it’s probbbbably the most sexist game I’ve ever played. And I am addicted to it.
Top Girl has three components:
1. Getting a boyfriend
2. Working at a modeling agency
3. Buying clothes
I was drawn to it when I was looking for a stupid girly game that revolved around shopping and putting outfits together. The promise of girly games has haunted me since childhood. How much fun did Mall Madness look in that commercial? Who didn’t want that purple Dear Diary with the voice-activated password protection, so Brad couldn’t steal it from you at school? (Nice try, Bradddd!) Of course, those toys sucked and the promise of the commercials were ultimately never fulfilled. However, I still hold onto the promise.
That’s how I ended up playing this stupid game. Let’s break it down, because it’s a beaut.
1. Getting a boyfriend.
In Top Girl, you start out in L.A. and obtain a boyfriend by going to Club Zen and flirting with guys. Each of these guys has something to offer, be it a higher salary when you work (just like real life, right ladies?) or an increased number of clothes in your closet. See, in Top Girl, your closet size is equivalent to your level. If you amass enough clothing, you can move from L.A. to New York! But I’m getting ahead of myself.
Once you have a boyfriend, you have to maintain that shit. Everyone says that relationships are work. Sure. Let’s pretend that’s true.
In Top Girl you need to bump up your boyfriend’s Mood Meter by having intellectual conversations with him:
And by going on romantic dates with him (you pay):
Here’s the worst part. He also has a Love Meter that you fill up by kissing him. (Yes, this concept was taken directly from Vicki of Real Housewives of Orange County.) After you kiss him ten times, your relationship will progress to the next level, and he will give you an item of clothing:
Again, this is a very realistic game. There are only three levels of a relationship, and once you receive the third gift, the game won’t let you kiss your boyfriend anymore. It announces: “Your boyfriend can’t love you any more than he already does!” That’s a sweet thought, but we all know it’s fucking bullshit. What the game should really say is, “Stop putting out, you’re not getting any more presents. It’s over. Put on your comfy pants and settle in.” TO REITERATE: This game has included the “plateau” or “not trying anymore” phase of a long-term relationship. That’s depressing to me, as I play this game in bed while an episode of Lost I’ve already seen streams on Ross’s stomach.
Now, note the manliness scale. This comes into play once you achieve a high enough closet size to move to New York (a hilarious idea, as my closets here seem to get smaller with every apartment). In New York, there is a duplicate version of everything in LA, but everything is harder. (Word.) In order to work at the modeling agency in New York, you MUST have a boyfriend with a certain level of manliness. But how do you increase his manliness? Welp, you go to Bungalow 9 and flirt with other couples.
Yeah, it’s weird. But you gots to hustle to get ahead.
2. Working at a modeling agency.
I will give Top Girl credit in that at least you, as a female avatar, have a job to support yourself. However, that’s where the credit ends, as you work in a fucking modeling agency and your clothing has to be “hot” enough or you will not be allowed to work.
Yes, every item of clothing has a point value, and this is another reason that you’re constantly shopping and trying to accumulate more clothing.
3. Buying clothes.
Another reason you want to have lots of clothing is the Runway component of this game. Aww, yeah. This is a real thing. You dress your avatar up, the game pits her against another avatar, and players vote on who’s hotter. Then you get a coin bonus depending on how many votes you got.
But you make way more by voting on other people’s looks, which is great. Losers lose their shit all over the runway and SOB. It’s embarrassing.
They’ve started having nonsensical Runway themes, like “Winter Sparkle” or “Sassy Starlet,” but my game crashes everytime I try to vote now. This picture is from an earlier version. THAT’S HOW LONG I’VE BEEN PLAYING THIS STUPID GAME.
The saddest part? They started having obnoxious pop-up ads throughout gameplay. So yeah, I’m putting up with this:
Doesn’t that look fun? No.
So, that’s the terrible game I’ve been playing almost every day for the last… months. I’m not sure how long it’s been, and honestly, I don’t want to know. This game is an abomination. It’s available for free in the App Store if you want to check it out. Don’t play it. Friend me, my name is lizzycanolis. I’m sorry.
My name is Liz. This is my 5000th blog. Congratulations and thank you!
